How to Get Over Your Fear of Asking for a Raise

Did you know that two out of every five women have never asked for a raise? And that 42% of women who did ask, were told no?

Well, according to Paysa, a research company dedicated to helping employees make informed career decisions, it’s true. You can read the full report here.

I’m not telling you this to scare you – in fact I’d argue this stat should empower you.

Think about it: If 42% of women were denied their last raise, that means 58% of them walked away with more coins in their pockets. My goal is to make sure the next (or first) time you ask for your raise, you’re in that 58%.

Why Women Don’t Ask for Raises

Whenever I’m getting ready to coach someone through a salary negotiation, one of the first questions I ask is if they’ve ever asked for a raise before. Not surprisingly, the answer is almost always no and what I find is that although a small part of why they don’t has to do with lack of confidence, the real reason they’ve never asked is because they’re afraid.

This isn’t shocking –  I mean, the reason people don’t do most things boils down to being afraid. What’s interesting though, is that even though fear may be the common theme for women who’ve never asked for a raise, the underlying reason for the fear varies.

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Some of the reasons include:

1. Your boss/company has indicated requests for raises will be turned down
2. You don’t feel confident in your job performance
3. You don’t feel you’ve been in the position long enough
4. You believe your boss/company will say no
5. You’re afraid you’ll be fired for even asking the question

What’s unfortunate is no matter how tired you are of being undervalued and how much you’re ready to earn the kind of money in line with your contributions at work, these fears have a way of keeping you (and almost 40% of other women) from doing anything about it.

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How to Get the Courage to Ask for a Raise

You want to know the quickest way to get over your fear of asking for more money? It’s knowledge. Yes, it really is that simple.

Let me break down each of the common fears you may have when it comes to asking for a raise and explain what I mean.

Fear #1: Your boss/company has indicated requests for raises will be turned down

I’ve been in HR a long time and worked with large Fortune 500 companies, non-profits with less than five employees and mid-sized tech startups. Believe me when I tell you there’s never a 100% shut down on raises.

Are there budget constraints? Of course. Politics and red tape that need to be carefully navigated? Yes. But what’s in any company’s best interest at all times is the retention of high performing people. I’ve seen plenty of instances where exceptions have been made and raises granted even though the previous party line had been that no raises would be approved.

My point? Even if you believe there’s a chance your request for more money will be turned down, go ahead and ask for it anyway. At best, you’ll get all or a portion of what you’ve asked for. At worst, they’ll know what your expectations are and that you aren’t afraid to go after what you want.

Fear #2: You don’t feel confident in your job performance

There are usually two types of people who don’t feel confident in their performance at work. Those who are actually not performing well (and who should put asking for a raise on hold until performance improves) and those who are amazing at what they do and are just being tough on themselves.

Look at your past performance reviews and think back to your accomplishments – are you really not doing well or is this defense mechanism you’ve created so you can discourage yourself from having to ask for more money?

Once you’ve done some reflection and determined you actually don’t suck, it’s time to move past this fear and focus on going after the pay you deserve.

Fear #3: You don’t feel you’ve been in the position long enough

I completely understand this fear. No one wants to be the person who’s been at the company or in a role for all of two days and already asking for more money. It’s not a good look – I get that.

But if you’ve done your research and discovered you’re being severely underpaid, completed a huge project that provided great impact for your team, and/or been given additional responsibilities above your paygrade, you’re in a good position to revisit the money conversation.

All things considered, the length of time you’ve been in a position is far down the list of reasons managers/HR considers when deciding whether to grant someone a raise or not. So, if it’s something you’re worried about – don’t be.

Fear #4: You believe your boss/company will say no

Fear of rejection is a thing. A really big thing that keeps high achieving and ambitious women from reaching their fullest potential every single day.

I get it: No one likes to be told no. It doesn’t feel good. The truth is though, when it comes to asking for a raise, most people who ask will get some sort of increase. Even if they aren’t getting all of what they’ve asked for, getting a little bit of something is always better than getting a lot of nothing.

Being told no isn’t the end of the world. You will not die. Once you come to terms with this, you’ll find you’re more comfortable asking for what you want (including more money).

Fear #5: You’re afraid you’ll be fired for even asking the question

This isn’t true. Period.

Unless you’re planning on marching into your boss’ office and saying something like: “You better give me more money, or else”, this just isn’t how things work in the real world.

Again, the worst thing that usually happens when asking for a raise is you’re told no. That’s it. No reprimanding or firing.

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The bottom line is this: Asking for a raise isn’t as difficult as you think it is. Is the process uncomfortable? Sure. But that doesn’t mean you should let fear keep you from moving forward.

As long as you’re aware of the common fears that have the potential to distract you, thoroughly prepare and take decisive action, you’re well on your way to moving past this fear and getting paid the money you deserve.

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3 Things I've Learned About Salary Negotiation from Kanye West

Over the past five years, I’ve negotiated just over $40,000 in salary increases for myself. And if you include people I’ve helped through their own negotiations, that number jumps to almost $100,000. Being either directly or indirectly involved in negotiations that hit the six-figure mark, the one thing I can say about the process without hesitation is – it’s scary.

What I’ve learned through tons and tons of research (as well as through my own experience) is that while the words and tactics you use matter, there’s one other thing that separates a successful negotiation from an unsuccessful one – and that’s confidence.

Confidence is what helped me push through the anxiety that came along with asking for a $25,000 raise a few months ago even when I felt like backing down.

Where do I get all this confidence, you might ask? From none other than Mr. Confidence himself – Kanye West. Even though Kanye isn’t my role model in everyday life (I mean, come on – that guy is nuts), whether you like him or not, you’ve got to admit, nobody does confidence better.

If mustering up the confidence to walk into your boss’ office and ask for more money is a struggle for you, here are three things you can learn from Mr. West that’ll help give you the boost you need.

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1. Don’t Be Afraid to Brag About Your Success

I can’t lie, Kanye makes some incredible music. And if you’ve ever heard one of his rants, then you’d already know that no one thinks Kanye’s music is more incredible than…Kanye. Whether he’s telling whoever will listen how many awards he’s won or calling himself a god, you better believe Kanye’s not afraid to shout from the rooftops just how much he’s achieved (and will continue to achieve) in his career.

Yes, there are several instances where humility and modesty are appropriate, but the salary negotiation process isn’t one of those times. Your sole job during a negotiation is to make sure the person on the other end knows just how awesome you are. Have you led your team toward a huge goal? Accomplished a great outcome? What makes you so deserving of a raise? You’ve got to make sure you’re able to articulate it to whoever will listen.

2. Don’t Believe in Competition

Instead of being intimidated by all the greats that have come before him, Kanye sees them as peers. He’s repeatedly compared himself to the likes of Steve Jobs and Pablo Picasso and truly feels he has no competition – since he’s obviously the greatest of all time. Whether anyone else agrees or not, this is the confidence level you’ve got to have as you prepare to ask for your raise.

Over the course of your career, I’m sure you’ve encountered people smarter, faster, harder working, more funny or creative than you were. But instead of letting that fact intimidate you, you’ve got to use it as fuel to keep going. When it comes to getting the confidence to ask for the money you deserve, you’ve got to take a page out of Kanye’s book and see yourself as the absolute best at what you do – no matter what the “competition” is doing.

3. Don’t Concern Yourself with What Others Think

The biggest thing I admire about Kanye’s confidence is the fact that he’s pretty much always unbothered by what naysayers have to say about him. So, you disagree with his fashion sense, can’t stand the words that come out of his mouth, or think his music is the worst? Guess what? Kanye doesn’t care. And while we outsiders may think that’s annoying, this unshakable self-assurance has contributed greatly to his success.

Think about it: How many times have you stopped yourself from having that much needed salary discussion for fear of what your boss, coworkers, friends, or family might think? How many missed opportunities have you had when it comes to making more money? Ask yourself: “What would Kanye do?”

While you may think he's arrogant and feel uncomfortable going through life the way Kanye does, what’s undeniable is how sure of himself he is. This is something we could all stand to get better at – especially when it comes to having conversations about salary.

Listen, your self-worth isn't tied to your paycheck, but you can't tell me it doesn't feel good to see your contributions valued in a tangible way. If confidence is the only thing stopping you from asking for what you deserve, then do yourself a favor and take a lesson from Kanye.

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The Easiest Way to Get a $10,000 Raise

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Coming to terms with the fact you’re being underpaid isn’t an easy thing to do. And if you’re one of the many women who’ve unfortunately already come to this conclusion, you’ll most likely react in one of three ways:

1. Complain about not getting a raise.
2. Think about asking for a raise.
3. Actually ask for a raise.

Even though you know the third option is the best choice – the one most likely to bring about the outcome you want – nine times out of ten, it’s not the one you’ll choose.

The reasons for not choosing the third option are varied. They can range from being unsure of how to bring up the subject of a raise, to being afraid of your boss’ reaction, to simply feeling overwhelmed by the process in general.

I totally get that the thought of asking for and receiving a raise can be daunting, but believe me, it is not impossible.

Here are 5 super easy steps I teach women on how to negotiate salary increases of $5,000, $10,000 and even $25,000.

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1. Be Strategic about Your Timing

Once you’ve worked up the courage to ask for a raise, you may be tempted to march into your boss’ office on the spot and demand more money. Before you do that though (slow down, girl), you should know certain situations are more conducive to positive results than others.

For example, when you’ve:

• Completed a huge accomplishment at work
• Received a promotion
• Conducted market research that shows you’re being underpaid
• Been offered a job with a new company

Situations like these give you leverage and make it more likely you’ll get a “yes” response.

Although you may be tempted to wait until your next annual salary discussion to express dissatisfaction with your pay, this isn’t necessarily the best time as money decisions have most likely already been made.

Instead, take the lead on when the conversation will happen. Be intentional about not only what you’ll say, but also when you’ll say it.
 

2. Do Your Research

Approaching the salary conversation with specific examples of how much people in similar roles to yours get paid will dramatically boost the odds of your boss agreeing to your request for more money. 

Sites like Glassdoor.com and Payscale.com have completely changed the game on conducting salary research. With a few simple clicks, it’s possible to find the average pay for virtually any role at any company. 

Being armed with information to support your request for higher salary is the single most important aspect of the salary negotiation process – and often heavily influences the outcome in a positive way.
 

3. Get on Your Boss’ Level

If your boss usually prefers a more laid-back style, now isn’t the time to suddenly get super formal. If she prefers to have meetings in the late afternoon, don’t schedule your salary conversation at 9am.  If she likes a detailed agenda outlining meeting topics ahead of time, be sure you give her one.

Switching the style of communication you and your boss usually have can cause confusion and put her in an uncomfortable head space. When people are uncomfortable, they’re less receptive to the information being presented to them.

Don’t get trapped in the belief that because the subject is money, you have to be more stuffy and formal in your approach. How do you and your boss normally interact? Go with that.
 

4. Be Straight Forward

When asking for a raise, avoid the urge to start speaking in code or beating around the bush. Although it can be challenging (due to your nerves getting the best of you), the best approach is to be clear and to the point.

Being straight forward also helps keep your emotions in check. Emotions like: anxiety, anger, nervousness and fear can sabotage your efforts to have a constructive conversation about your money goals and expectations.

Creating bulleted speaking points that are direct and to the point can help you keep the conversation on track and avoid getting side tracked.
 

5. Have a Clear Call to Action

Often the best salary conversations lose steam at the most important part – the end.

No matter how well everything has gone, don’t undermine all of your hard work by not making the actual ask for more money.

What would you like your boss to do at the end of the conversation?

Make sure your ask is crystal clear so there is no room for doubt or uncertainty in your boss’ mind about what it is you want.

Going after your next raise doesn’t have to be a scary or convoluted process. Although it may not feel like it, having the money conversation with your boss is just like having any other career related conversation – the key is to be confident, strategic, prepared and straight forward.

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"Asking for a raise doesn't have to be a scary process. Be confident, strategic, prepared and direct."

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The 5 Biggest Salary Mistakes Women Make

The ugly truth about women and their salaries is this: We take home less money than men performing the exact same jobs. 

This means that even if a man and a woman have the same degree, have the same professional experience and do their job at the same level of competence, there would still be a difference between how much each of them earn.

Let’s think about that for a moment. The same exact background, but different pay.

The research on this is definitely side-eye worthy –  for every one dollar a man makes, a woman only makes 80 cents. 

And for many women who know they’re being underpaid, instead of pressing full steam ahead to rectify the situation, they’re guilty of making mistakes that actually sabotage their long-term income potential.

Most of these mistakes fall into 5 categories:

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Mistake #1: Not Having a Compensation Strategy

A compensation strategy is a plan that spells out your long-term salary expectations. These expectations are based on skill level and experience, industry standard for people in similar positions and unique value. Basically, you 1) calculate your worth, 2) add tax and 3) create a plan to get you to that dollar amount. 

While it would be great to have a compensation strategy before you start your first job – since your initial salary creates the baseline for everything else you’ll be paid in your lifetime –  this is something most women simply don’t know they should do. A lot of us – especially those fresh out of college and excited just to have a job – don’t take the time to think strategically about how much we get paid – which ends up being a costly mistake. 

If you don’t already have a compensation strategy, start now. Take out a pen and paper and think about where you are now, where you actually should be and where you want to be in the future. Once you’ve done the math, create a plan to get there – whether that’s by asking for a raise, looking for a new job, or starting a side hustle.

Mistake #2: Assuming You’ll be Paid for Your Contributions

It sounds so simple, right? Do a good job at work and you’ll eventually get paid for it. However, this isn’t always the case. While there are times when doing your job well can mean a few extra coins, 9 times out of 10, managers aren’t sitting around waiting to hand over wads of cash every time you accomplish a new goal.

Instead of passively waiting to be paid for your contributions, realize that you’ll need to be an active participant in your salary progression. If you expect to be recognized financially for what you do at work, then you’ll need to make sure your boss (and anyone else involved in the money decisions) is well aware of that. 

Whether you have to beef up your annual self-evaluation or schedule a stand-alone meeting to talk about your achievements, you need to make sure you create a platform to show your boss all you’ve accomplished throughout the year.

Mistake #3: Being Uncomfortable Talking About Money

Many women have pushed the subject of money to a space that is “off limits”, unable to discuss things like current salary, future money goals and earning potential with even their closest friends. So, to bring up the subject to their boss – to express dissatisfaction with their salary and ask for a raise – can be the cause of a lot of anxiety.

Although it can be tough, it’s time to move past the uneasiness that comes with talking about money – especially if you actually want to earn more. The saying, “A closed mouth, won’t get fed” couldn’t be more true in this situation. 

Although the most important conversations are usually the ones that are most uncomfortable, it’s definitely in your best interest to push past your fear and have it anyway.

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"It's time to move past the uneasiness that comes with talking about money– especially if you actually want to earn more."

Mistake #4: Making Emotional Decisions

Making any decision when you’re in your feelings is a bad idea. Emotions like: anxiety, anger, nervousness and fear can sabotage your efforts to get the raise you want when you’re not able to keep them in check.

Being so nervous that you accept the first low ball offer you get, or so angry that you yell at your boss when talking about how much you deserve a higher salary, will essentially ruin any chance of a positive outcome.

Your goal should be to remain calm and collected throughout the entire process – leaving the way you feel out of the equation. When it comes to making decisions on salary, focus on your research and the facts. 

Mistake #5: Being Afraid to Walk Away

Even if you create the right compensation strategy, ensure your manager is aware of your contributions, get comfortable talking about money and leave your emotions out of your decision-making process, the final decision on whether you ultimately get that raise or not is out of your control. 

Instead of getting hung up on this fact, you should have a contingency plan and exit strategy in case things don’t work the way you would have liked. 

You know what’s worse than realizing you’re being underpaid? Realizing you’re being underpaid, asking for what you deserve and then staying put even if nothing changes. This fear of change is what holds many women back in forging a new career path for themselves.

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If any of these mistakes are ones you’ve made in the past (or still making), don’t beat yourself up about it. Now that you know what to avoid, focus on how you’ll do better going forward.

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